Kesha vs Hilda
by Eogrus
Summary: Kesha is hungry, so she goes to Trolberg.


"Hello, wherever you are/  
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?/  
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars/  
We don't give a fuck cause that's just who we are/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, we are the/  
We are the crazy people"

One day Kesha decided she wanted British/Canadian cuisine so she went to Trolberg. She was driving a van made from the dried rectal tissues of 1-9 year old girls with a driving stick made of dread and despair.

She took out her nail polish and melted the walls with a single shot, burning ten thousand people and all of the wall elves with sulphuric condolences, turning them with bloody liquid flesh that would feel as if raped violently for all ages of all universes, no matter the endless cycle of creation and destruction.

She then got out of the car and saw Hilda, Frida and David selling cookies.

"Hey, do you want to help support our youth?" said Frida askingly questioningly?

For her troubles Kesha took out her harpoon and shot her, obliterating her skull into a shower of brain and ligament fragments, then took out a bowl and put the flesh and blood and dirrhea expelled from the control-less anus there and ate it with a spoon, savouring it like the finest ice cream.

With tears in her eyes, Hilda jumped at Kesha, intending to kick her head off. But Kesha turned her head and faced her, paralising her in midair with just her stare. She then moved towards David, who was cowering in the corner. Without even so much as removing her gaze from Hilda, she threw a saw boomerang with a rope at him and cut off his leg, the rope tying around the ensuing bloody bone stump and dragging him to between her boobs.

"P-please l-let m-me gg-go!" he sobbed hysterically.

Kesha responded by taking out a lighter and burning his clothes, the fabrics catching fire and the flames roasting his entire torso and calves. Kesha was egulfed by the flames as well but they dared not harm her, instead they spread further and burned off David's hands and feet - even the detached one - resulting in a pink crispy crust akin to Harquelin ichthyosis. He screamed in horrific agony and Hilda tried to look away, but Kesha willed her eyelids to open and see the entire spectacle.

Once David's clothes were bloodied ash, Kesha grabbed his crotch, snipping out the small rissole-like remnants of his penis and testicles, which she brought to his own mouth and forced him to eat. Kesha much didn't like when he gagged and spat out a few crumbs mixed with snot and tears, so she inserted a finger on the gaping crotch hole and penetrated it at full speed, creating a mucus of bloody black flesh that covered her fingers. She brought them to her lips and licked it off with immense pleasure, then she dug her cow shit encrusted nails on the legless stump and began to take out pieces of David's flesh to eat.

Too week to resist, David could only cry as Kesha slowly but surely defleshed him. She kept him alive using magic, and even restored his damaged nerve endings so he could feel the much extensive and ecstatic agony known to all.

All the while Hilda was forced to watch and process was what happening to her friend. When Kesha took out David's cooked lungs, she rubbed them on Hilda's face, covering it with black snoot bloody mucus, the perfect spice.

Within a few hours, David was only a skeleton with a human head, his bones reddened by blood crusts. Kesha slowly peeled off the skin at his throat, gradually revealing more of his neck musculature and bones until she uncovered his face. She then ate his cheek muscles with ice cream and put his skin back on his head again, then ripped out his eyes and put them in fine mead. As to his brains - which she picked out using his own finger bones, covered with dog dung of course -, she gave them to eat to passing birds, giving them horrific prions that infected ten thousand people.

She then took a hook, and approached Hilda.

"I see ya in the club showin' Ke$ha love/  
Trippin' on them bitches that be hatin'/  
Catch a dub, catch a deuces/  
Ya'll hatins useless/  
It's such a nuisance/  
Ya'll chickens keep your two cents/  
And keep your dollars, keep your loot/  
I'm fresher than that Gucci/  
Them boys, they want my coochie/  
I say nope, I'm no hootchie/  
Your homegirl hatin', I say who she?/  
Ke$ha don't give two fucks/  
I cam to start the ruckus/  
And ya wanna party with us/  
'Cause we crazy m-therf-ck-rs"

Her phone rang.

"Hilda?" Johanna asked.

Painful whimpering and crying.

"Hilda? Hilda are you okay" Johanna asked again, beginning to panic.

"P-please don't come, s-she'll get you..."

A scream, the sound of flesh being peeled off.

Johanna called the cops. It took only an hour to have their heads delivered to her, with "Come alone" written in blood and stomachal bile on their hats and foreheads.

"Oh God" Johanna began to shake.

She didn't need to say another word. The Great Raven spread his wings, and she took to the skies.

"Hello, wherever you are/  
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?/  
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars/  
We don't give a fuck cause that's just who we are/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, we are the/  
We are the crazy people"

"Hilda?" Johanna asked, opening the door.

She and Thunderbird and Alfur gasped in whorror at the hooked figure in a metal hook.

"Bastard you'll pay for what you did to my daughter!" she rampaged at Kesha.

The Raven threw lightning everywhere and Alfur made the Celtic gods sign a paperwork to give him curse tablets, but Kesha knew all the martial arts and dodged. She stabbed Johanna in her vagina and ripped the labia out, putting them on herself to use as a moustache. Then she shoved a rod in the Great Raven's claoca and directed the lightning at Trevor - who Kesha had tied up and hang on a roof by piercing his buttocks - shooting at his penis and making it explode in a bloody pulp liquid, blinding Johanna and burning her face.

She then took out a pair of chopsticks and inserted them in Johanna's aureolas, redirecting the lightning and frying the milk inside into cheese. Then she took another pair of chopsticks and ate them, leaving gaping pores in her breasts.

Kesha then took out a black gun with black red runes and shot the Raven in the face, then poured wheat into the gaping obliterated face, making it slide down to his liver. She did a spell where his organs fattened up and turned all into livers, making his a cancerous growth of feathers and foie gras. She poured the finest salt and honey into the liver polyps and carved them out with a knife full of neurotoxins, inducing hellish torment into the bird while she had the greatest pleasure eating his flesh.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU CRAZY BITCH YOU'LL BE RAPED FOR THIS!" cried the Ravenm but Kesha only injected him with more pain.

Johanna tried one last lucky strike with a hammer, but Kesha waved her fingers and a hell portal manifested beneath her. A pair of demonic hands composed of cow penises leaking black oil fluids grabbed her and threw her to Heaven.

Once Kesha finished eating The Great Raven, she snapped her head and stared at Alfur.

"You see us in the place trippin' off the bass/  
D-D-DJ rock a beat, make the fucker shake/  
Like an earthquake, like an earthquake/  
Booty pop/  
All my shorties on the dance floor, make your hearts stop/  
Stop your Cardiac/  
Sippin' Cognac in the back/  
Th-they ch-chasin my kitty cat/  
They know my zodiac/  
I'm no virgin or no Virgo/  
I'm crazy that's my word doe/  
It's Ke$ha in the casa/  
They be let-lets make it loco!"

Kesha made a pyre from the Wood Man and Vittra. This helped her see better as she penetrated Alfur with a bleach covered pencil, making his anal tissues turn into lutefisk.

"Hello, wherever you are/  
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?/  
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars/  
We don't give a fuck cause that's just who we are/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, we are the"

Kesha had dried Frida's skin and made a rug out of it, cleaning her lips.

She then decided she needed to make herself look pretty, so she used Johanna's faeces-encrusted bones to dig herself a pool. She then took a bulldozer and crushed all the people she had tied up together, squirting their internal organs, blood and poo into a red-black-brown paste that flooded the pool.

She dove into it, swimming and letting the mixture dry her skin and fix her hair while she watched David's father masturbating himself with his son's bones.

"Oh yeah, do me you little fag!" he moaned whoristically as his shoved David's femurs up his prostrate.

Afar, the Barghest was being strapped on a table made of burning iron, searing his flesh and fur and turning it into ash. Kesha breathed the smoke deeply and listened to the dog's pained whimpers, matched by the Nisse's screams as his foreskin was being rolled back with barbed wire, as to make the perfect smoothie.

Kesha soon grew bored and took out a black needle, sewing the Nisse's anus shut. Then she shot his brain in the Broca area, making him lose his bowel controls and diarrhea. Only, the fecal torrent was trapped in his colon, making it swollen until it burst from his hind along with his internal organs and two thirds of his spine, exposing his torso. Kesha grabbed the librarian and shoved her head up the broken torso, her screams muffled by the dying Nisse's body.

Kesha then took out an electric guitar made from little boy's dired erections and plugged it on. She tied it around the librarian's breasts and began playing, making the electric currents turn them bloody purple. She took a selfie and used the purple hue to colour her new blog's header.

"This is all we got and then it's gone/  
You call us the crazy ones/  
But we gon' keep on dancin' till' the dawn/  
'Cause you know the party never ends/  
And tomorrow we gonna do it again/  
We the ones who play hard/  
We live hard/  
We love hard/  
We light up the dark!"

Out in the darkness of space, the giants thought themselves safe. But all changed when a searing new sun rose from the earth.

"What is that?" asked Jorgen ponderingly.

He was met by Kesha's enormous, flaming head, floating around. She smiled at the giants, emiting beams of light from her eyes that seared off their skins, allowing their flesh to boil in the void. She then willed the flesh to become a formless mass, bones snapping and muscles turning to mush, organs sutured by inane arcane bane.

The resulting creature, a stillborn abortion of agony, dove into the earth, obliterating Trolberg and spreading its tendrils to ten thousand nations. Penis sprouted forth, violating all anuses, inserting them with an egg. This egg consumed all bodily fat within each host, but let them live, hatching into tumors that turned the victims into zombie orc mutants that build ziggurats and pyramids in honour of their one true god.

Soon, Kesha's face was etched into the very foundations of the earth. The age of elf and man had soon ended.

"Hello, wherever you are/  
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?/  
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars/  
We don't give a fuck cause that's just who we are/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids/  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are/  
The crazy kids, we are the/  
We are the crazy people" 


End file.
